©
Dick Rauscher
INTRODUCTION:
THE NEED FOR A SHARED LANGUAGE
The increased focus
and attention on spirituality in our culture is quickly finding its way
into the psychotherapy setting. Clients are increasingly interested in
their spirituality. It is not uncommon today for therapists to be
questioned in the first phone contact with a prospective client as to whether
they are qualified or experienced in working with spiritual issues. These
clients frequently report that they are not interested in intensive therapy
per se; they just want to work on their spirituality.
The
words religion and spirituality often create dis-ease and anxiety for
those trained as secular counselors and psychotherapists. Many therapists
are turning down these “spiritually” focused clients because
they work under the illusion and mistaken belief that psychotherapy
and spirituality are inherently two very different disciplines.
This
is unfortunate since psychotherapy is spiritual formation.
Since psychotherapy and spiritual formation use very similar goals
and methodologies, secular therapists are frequently the best trained
spiritual directors and teachers in our Western culture. In other
words, therapists should not be put off by clients interested in
spiritual growth.
THE
TOWER OF BABEL: THE LANGUAGE OF SCIENCE AND THE LANGUAGE OF SPIRITUALITY
The
splitting of psychotherapy and spirituality into two apparently different
separate disciplines was simply an illusion created when science
and religion parted company hundreds of years ago. Science created
a language to study the physical world and religion claimed exclusive
use of theological language to study God. Both agreed not to intrude
into each others realm.
At
the time, this was a very helpful distinction in that it allowed
scientists to study the physical world without directly threatening
the theology and beliefs of the Christian church. Of course it wasn’t
long before scientific discoveries in astronomy, evolution, biology,
and physics seriously threatened and challenged many of the ancient
theological views of the Church.
Even
today many conservative scientists and theologians continue the struggle
to keep science and spirituality apart. Fortunately, modern quantum
physics research is in the process of rejoining the physical world
of the scientist and the spiritual world of the mystic into one common
unified view of reality.
It
is the belief of this author that the disciplines of psychotherapy
and spiritual direction need to develop a common language bridge that
will allow psychotherapists to accurately and seamlessly reinterpret
analytic language and clinical therapeutic process in spiritual terms,
and vice versa. Only when such a unified language exists, will psychotherapists
learn to be comfortable with spirituality, and spiritual directors
less intimidated by psychology.
This
article will briefly explore some of the goals and methods used by
each of the disciplines, highlight their similarity; and demonstrate
how psychotherapy is, in fact, spiritual formation.
IN
THE BEGINNING: THE SURVIVAL SKILLS OF CHILDHOOD
In
childhood, when we encounter criticism, ridicule, sarcasm, rejection,
abandonment, indifference, invisibility, a sense of not feeling heard,
or not being understood in the things that matter to us, we experience
fear and sadness. There is an anxious sense of danger. We know that
somehow we are being attacked and wounded by those who are supposed
to love us and care for us.
Two
of the primary survival instincts of a human being experiencing danger
are isolation and fragmentation. When our world feels dangerous,
isolation is the only safe option. We develop a survival skill of
spending more and more time alone.
We
also learn to fragment or partition off the painful feelings and
traumatic memories, and drive them deep into the shadows of our
unconscious. This survival skill protects us from feelings that
are often much too painful for us to deal with as a child. To feel
safe around the dangerous caretakers in our life, we learn to behave
in ways that appear to please them. We construct a false “self”.
We build a fragile identity of beliefs and behaviors based on who
we think we are supposed to be. Day by day, outside of our
awareness, our authentic self slowly disappears.
Over
the years of our childhood we become convinced that who we really are
is not smart, not important, and not adequate. No matter how hard
we try to be accepted, we feel alone and unloved. We begin to shut
down our painful feelings and learn to use only our intellect. We
lose the memory of much of our childhood. But we have a sense that
in some very basic way, we are not okay. We are not loveable. We
don’t belong.
Through
varying degrees of isolation, we attempt to avoid the pain that comes
from relating to others. But when we isolate to feel safe, others tell
us we are aloof and uncaring. We begin to feel guilty and ashamed.
A terrible feeling of emptiness begins to grow in the center of our
being. It often feels like hunger, but nothing seems to make
it go away.
WHAT
THE CLIENT BRINGS: A LANGUAGE OF PAIN
When
clients come to a therapist they often lump these various painful
feelings of childhood under a generalized feeling they call anxiety
and depression. They tell the therapist they want to feel more
okay (comfortable) about who they are. They just want to get their
lives together and be happy. They are tired of being sad and scared.
They don’t like who they are.
When
clients come to a spiritual director these feelings of childhood
are embedded in, a longing for more depth; a sense of unhappiness;
a lack of inner peace; a sense of isolation and loneliness; and,
a deep hunger to understand the meaning of their lives. They often
lump these various painful feelings under a generalized feeling they
refer to as a sense of being “called” by God to a deeper
place. A place of wholeness and peace where they can feel more content
with who they are. They are often seeking a sense of wholeness, and
happiness in their lives. They are tired of feeling inadequate and
feeling like they don’t belong.
Regardless
of the language, whether they want to get their lives “together”, or
want a sense of “wholeness”, both clients frequently
feel fragmented and overwhelmed. They long to feel more whole and authentic. The
bottom line is they want to belong and be happy.
In
both cases, the clients have reached a point where they know they cannot
find the answers on their own. For most people, the decision to ask
for help feels like an admission of failure. They often feel inadequate.
Asking for help means they will need to be vulnerable and trust a stranger. For
most people, asking for help is the most difficult part of the journey
to healing and the wholeness they hunger for in their hearts. They
must somehow learn to feel safe enough to share their story with a
stranger. Whether they use spiritual language or secular language will
be determined by their background. The language they are most comfortable
with will determine who they call; a psychotherapist or a spiritual
director.
TRUST
AND VULNERABILITY: THE FIRST WORK OF HEALING
Thus,
the first work of healing for both the therapist and the
spiritual director will be the need to address issues of trust
and vulnerability. Can the client trust the therapist or the spiritual
director? Can they trust God? Will their therapist or spiritual
director still like them and want to work with them if they are
really honest about who they are, and what they have done in their
lives? Is it safe to talk about how they really feel? Does
God love me? These are the fundamental questions that need to be
brought to the surface and consciously dealt with in order to move
forward either emotionally or spiritually.
Trusting
others will not come easily for many. The telling of their story
will require the clients to revisit and share uncomfortable memories
of shame, embarrassment, painful experiences, and painful feelings.
Of times when they were hurt by others. It will be a story of their
struggle with the world, their own fears; their feelings; their past;
their hopes and dreams; and their conflicts both with others and
with themselves.
For
most clients, learning to trust is a long and difficult task. Learning
to trust is the foundational work that will support all of the future
work of therapy or spiritual direction. Therefore, until the foundational
issue of trust is dealt with, clients will be unable to allow themselves
the vulnerability necessary for healing to take place. They will
be unable to be vulnerable and share their story.
As
trust builds and the client is able to share more and more of their
story, they are often amazed that someone else seems to really understand
how painful and sad it is for them inside. They no longer feel so
alone. Maybe there is hope. The language of caring and empathy begins
to heal.
LISTENING:
THE SILENT LANGUAGE OF CREATION
So
how are these goals of trust and vulnerability achieved in therapy
and spiritual direction? Simply stated, they are achieved when
the client is emotionally “held” by the therapist or
the spiritual director. The client begins to feel safe only
when they experience the therapist or spiritual director silently
listening to them with non-judgmental acceptance and experiencing,
often for the first time in their lives, another person empathically
understanding what truly matters to them. The client’s
story unfolds and deepens.
Therapists
are trained to listen without being abandoning, critical, judging
or impinging, and to re-interpret the client’s story as it unfolds.
The client is encouraged to look within and to reclaim the painful
feelings and memories of themselves that got split off and buried
in the unconscious. As these split off parts get re-integrated, the
client begins to experience a growing sense of well-being and wholeness.
They begin to empty themselves of an identity built around childhood
beliefs and move into a more authentic adult identity based on who
they really are. They begin to discover their gifts and strengths.
Most importantly however, they begin to realize that the feelings
they have blamed or projected onto others were really their own.
They learn to look within and explore their feelings. They learn
to claim responsibility for their own feelings.
Spiritual
directors are trained to listen and to encourage the client to develop
a prayer or meditation relationship with the Creator of the Universe.
As they tell their story in the presence of God and the spiritual director,
both of whom are neither abandoning, critical, judging, or impinging, the
client slowly learns how to simply “be” who they were created
to be. Their self-awareness and self-knowledge increases. The client
learns humility and forgiveness. They learn to look within for answers.
James
Carse (1985) in his book The Silence of God explains the importance
of listening in great depth. He demonstrates that unless someone listens
to us and accepts us wholly for who we are, we can never become an
authentic self. He says simply, we are listened into existence. This,
he points out, is the absolute necessity for the expectant silent listening
of God. It is God’s compassionate, non-judgmental, silent listening
that makes all creation possible. As co-creators, the creation of the
universe unfolds through us one story at a time. If God spoke,
our personal ongoing creation would cease. Our co-creation with God
would become meaningless. (Carse 1985)
This compassionate,
non-judgmental, expectant listening is the primary work of both the
therapist and the spiritual director. Both therapists and spiritual
directors are called to listen their clients into existence so
they can experience themselves as authentic, whole, and sacred persons. This
is the soul work of both therapy and spiritual direction that can only
be done through the silent non-judgmental listening in a place called
the middlepath.
The
middlepath is a sacred place that emerges only when the ego beliefs
and opinions of the therapist, or the spiritual director; have been
emptied. When ego beliefs and opinions are emptied from the mind,
judgment is no longer possible. Only acceptance and listening remain.
Thus, the middlepath is a sacred place where only the language of
compassion and acceptance exist. A place of healing where the language
of judgment is not present. A paradoxical place of total emptiness
and the wholeness of total diversity.
THE
BASIC PROBLEM: FROM THE OUTER WORLD OF OBJECTS TO THE INNER WORLD
OF SELF AWARENESS
The
therapist and the spiritual director will hear similar stories from
their clients. The details of course are unique to the specific client, but
the story told will be similar to that of previous clients. It
will essentially be a human story of feeling unloved and lonely, overwhelmed
by life, depressed, rejected, abandoned, and a sense that their life
lacks meaning. A story of unhappiness.
As
the therapist and the spiritual director encourage their respective
clients to tell their stories and the work of healing begins, the
primary problem of the client begins to emerge. The client has been
looking for answers to their problems out in the world. They have
been searching for happiness in the secular language of security,
money, prestige, control, and worldly power.
As
they listen to the client, the spiritual director and the therapist
both begin to encourage and support a shift in the client from an
outer focus on the world of objects toward an inner self-focus on
their own thoughts and feelings. Over time, the client begins to
shift his or her attention inward on the true sources of their pain.
Their self awareness deepens.
Since
the goal of both disciplines is a deeper inner self-knowledge and
the ability to pay attention to one’s thoughts and feelings
it is not long before a new inner language of feelings, emotions,
beliefs, assumptions, values, and meaning begins to develop between
the client and his or her therapist or spiritual director.
As
this new inner language emerges, the client learns that spiritual growth
and happiness is an internal work that can never be attained out in
the world. This insight, that authentic spiritual growth and
happiness come only through self-awareness and self-consciousness,
emerges only as the client’s language of inner meaning develops.
CHANGE:
THE LANGUAGE OF HOPE
The
primary goal of both disciplines is change. Despite the fact that reality is change,
one of the most difficult things for a human being to accomplish is
to embrace change in his or her deeply held beliefs, opinions, and
certainties. Particularly challenging to change are the ego beliefs
which come from childhood and are a part of a person’s world view;
the way they see and understand reality.
For
example, in the middle ages, it was a commonly held world view that
the earth was flat. Few questioned this belief, and those that
did were ridiculed. Another example of a commonly accepted world view
was the belief that the earth was the center of the universe. Galileo
was imprisoned by the Christian church when he dared to suggest that
the earth in fact revolved around the sun.
The
scientist’s attention to the details of the physical world began
to challenge and change the world views of both the scientific community
and the theological world views of the Church.
The
tools of the therapist that support and facilitate change in the
client’s “self” world view, are the therapist’s
ability to listen and gently encourage attention and self-awareness
within the client onto the client’s own thoughts, attitudes,
assumption, behaviors, and feelings. Particularly challenging for
therapists is encouraging change in their clients’ ego beliefs,
thoughts, and feelings from childhood.
But
it is this attention and increased self-awareness of the childhood source of
the client’s feelings and behaviors that will eventually lead
to changes in the client’s current thoughts and behaviors.
As the childhood memories and feelings of the client are made more
conscious and available, the client begins to experience a deeper sense
of connection with himself/herself. As they become more secure
in their own authentic identity, they are more able to be open and
vulnerable with others and re-integrate back into safe, trusting relationships
with others.
The
tools of the spiritual director that support change in the client are
also attention and self awareness. As a client learns to sit
in prayer or meditation with their feelings, and pay attention to their
feeling bodies and thinking minds, they too begin to develop insight
and understanding into how their mind thinks and how their
body feels.
This
increased self-awareness and self-consciousness which emerges from
contemplation and meditation is the same self awareness and attention
that emerges for the client in therapy. In both disciplines, the
client learns to pay attention their thoughts, what they believe,
how they feel, what they fear; and especially, the changing nature
of their thoughts and feelings. Over time, the client begins to discover
and understand more deeply the meaning of his or her life.
Their
ability to be in community and establish a systemic connection grows
with all persons and aspects of creation. They learn to fully embrace
the infinite diversity of this universe in which we live. Spiritual
directors call this a connection, or experience, of being one with
the Consciousness of the Universe.
The
primary difference between psychotherapy and meditation is only the
rate of change and growth. The process of psychotherapy can greatly
facilitate spiritual growth since the client can often accomplish
in a few years what might otherwise take a lifetime of meditation
or prayer. However, the most effective approach to self-awareness
and healing happens when both disciplines are practiced together.
WHOLENESS:
THE LANGUAGE OF COMMUNITY
Since
the source of conflict, pain and suffering for humans is found in the
fragmentation of the human psyche and the ego’s reliance on a
false identity, the goal of all mental health healing and spiritual
growth is that of re-integration of the client’s mind to a state
of wholeness. The person simply learns to pay attention to their
thoughts, feelings and the world around them.
The
mystics remind us that compassionate communities evolve only when
vulnerable hearts connect with other vulnerable hearts. The only
persons capable of building compassionate communities are those who;
are capable of deep self-awareness and deep self-knowledge;
have learned to take responsibility for their own feelings;
have learned to look within and “remove the log in their own
eye” before they worry about the speck in their neighbors eye;
are truly loving and non-judgmental of others; have emptied themselves
of their rigid ego driven beliefs, opinions and certainties; are
awake and self-aware; have developed a deep reverence for
all life; and experience all creation as sacred.
It
is important to note that these self-consciously evolved people
consistently report feeling whole and happy, and consistently report
that they have discovered the passion and meaning of their lives.
In
both psychotherapy and spiritual direction, the goal is connection
with self and others, and a deeper sense of belonging. The goal of
both therapist and spiritual director is to encourage participation
in the larger reality of family and community. Unlike the psychotherapist,
the spiritual director encourages the client to move beyond family
and community into an even larger context; an awareness of who we
are in the context of the Consciousness of the Universe.
The
goal for both disciplines is ultimately that of compassion; for ones
self and for others. In both disciplines, the focus is on the process
of healing the mind, the body, and the soul. In both disciplines,
the client’s shift toward compassion can take place only when
the inner language of self awareness has been attained.
It’s
very difficult to care about your neighbor and develop compassionate
community with others when you are struggling with pain--whether
it be from a tooth ache or a soul ache.
SUMMARY:
TWO ROADS TO THE SACRED GROUND
When
therapists and spiritual directors begin to talk about the specific
goals of healing, the language of each discipline begins to lose
its uniqueness. Wholeness is wholeness. Connection with others is called
relationship or community. The ability to be vulnerable and trusting
is called an open heart. Authenticity is simply a deep knowing
of who we really are; otherwise known by spiritual directors as soul.
Thus
for both disciplines, happiness is an inward focus and an ability to
be comfortable with who one is and with what one has. Happiness
is simply an ability to be fully awake, aware, and living in the present
moment without fears, desires, and or plans to control the future.
The ability to be self-reflective and self-aware is the
common goal of both the therapist and the spiritual director.
When
the inner work is done effectively, the client in spiritual direction
and the client in psychotherapy will begin to experience a gratefulness
for their lives and a deeper acceptance of others. They will
love themselves and others. Whether they call it gratitude for life
or simple humility, client’s in both disciplines will begin to
experience themselves in the larger context of community.
It
is only when the fragmentation of the ego has been healed that one
can then transcend one’s ego and move out of the illusions,
the fantasies, the fears, and the pain of striving for happiness
in the busyness and “stuff” of the world.
It
is only when one’s ego has been transcended, that one can truly
live in the grayness of the middle path and become a non-reactive,
loving, and compassionate human being. The eastern mystics refer
to these people as bodhisattva’s. The western mystics call
them saints. Therapists call them authentic persons capable of
great intimacy, compassion and empathy for others.
The
bottom line is clear. We are one people living on a very small planet
in the middle of a very large universe. We are truly connected to
one another; therefore it is imperative that we learn how to build
spiritually mature compassionate communities that can effectively
care for one another and the earth we live on. When two or more are
gathered, they become community.
Thus,
the ability to belong to a world wide compassionate human
community is the fundamental goal of both psychotherapy and spirituality.
The primary tools are trust and vulnerability. The primary process
is non-judgmental listening to what really matters. The basic goals
are wholeness and connection, diversity, complexity, and the embracing
of the systemic unity of all things.
The
authentic spiritual path is always a path toward vulnerability, humility,
compassion, and authenticity. One simply can not walk an authentic
spiritual path until one has done the work of inner healing that
comes from deep self knowledge.
The
authentic spiritual path is a middlepath that embraces diversity
and finds the truth in all things. This is the healing work of both
psychotherapy and spiritual direction. Perhaps as we work to build
a “common” language that will enable us to move seamlessly
between the two disciplines, we will begin to see the spiritual importance
of psychotherapeutic healing and the necessity for deep self awareness
in authentic spiritual growth.
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