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3. Boundaries: The Art of Setting Limits

© Dick Rauscher

Abstract

Establishing healthy boundaries is how we define the sacred space we call self. A healthy boundary is simply a non-reactive response to persons and things in our day to day environment. A boundary is always well defined and has clearly stated consequences as to what will happen if others cross or ignore the perimeter we have established

Establishing healthy boundaries is how we define the sacred space we call self. The more clear we are about who we are, the more clear our boundaries become. But the opposite is true also. The more clear our boundaries are, the more clarity we achieve as to who we are as a person. So how do we define and establish effective boundaries?

It is important to be clear that a boundary is not a wall. Walls are rejecting in that they keep someone or something out of our lives. Walls push people away and do not allow us to have a relationship with them. Walls are built out of the rocks of judgment and the mortar of rejection. They cause ourselves and others pain and suffering.

A healthy boundary on the other hand is simply a non-reactive response to persons and things in our day to day environment. Unlike a wall, boundaries get build a little section at a time until we have defined the sacred space we call our "self". Thus boundaries are never finished or static, they are not perfectly round, and they always allow for relationship.

A boundary is always well defined and has clearly stated consequences as to what will happen if others cross or ignore the perimeter we have established. A consequence simply says, "If you cross the boundary I have established, this is what will happen." Boundaries can be gentle; "If you get up after six thirty in the morning you will have to make your own breakfast." Boundaries can also be very firm: "If you continue to be verbally abusive, our relationship will have to end".

We must always remember the basic rule of establishing boundaries; if there is no consequence, then there is no boundary. Consequences are not aggressive, controlling or hurtful in that others always have a choice. Others can enter our sacred space, but only it they are willing to honor our boundaries and accept the consequences we have established. People who are abusive do not like boundaries. It makes them angry. They would rather treat others as objects. It is important to remember; a chair cannot establish a boundary; only persons have that ability.

If we were raised in a family where our caregivers encouraged or demanded obedience, establishing boundaries will probably be very confusing. We would have learned very early in life to focus on others. Our own needs and wants would have been labeled as selfish or disobedient, so we would have quickly lost touch with our own emotions. We would have become obedient children doing what we were told; not healthy growing "persons". Thus the confusion we encounter when we try to establish boundaries doesn't mean we are not capable, the confusion only means that this is a new skill we are learning.

When we learn to pay attention to our own needs and feelings and begin establishing healthy boundaries, we move from an external obedience to others to an internal loyalty to our "self". We begin to define who we are as persons; to clearly define the sacred space we call self. Our self-esteem begins to grow.

The birth of a self requires boundaries. Learning to establish boundaries takes time and can be challenging. Because no birthing happens without pain, a therapist can be very helpful. When the work of becoming a person becomes confusing or painful, a therapist can help us stay on the path toward our soul.

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