Owning Our Own Feelings© Dick Rauscher - Issue #2
Earl Nightingale is well known for his quote " We become what we think about". The concept that he was teaching is one of life's fundamental truths. If we want to be a brain surgeon, we will need to think a lot about brain surgery. If we want to perform at Carnegie Hall we will have to think a lot about music.
If we want to achieve authentic spiritual growth, we will need to think a lot about generosity, tolerance, inclusiveness, diversity, forgiveness, openness, and emptiness of primitive ego. We will also need to think a lot about what gets in the way of our ability to sustainably manifest these important characteristics of an authentic spirituality.
Without deep self-awareness, authentic spiritual growth is not possible. If we really want to know ourselves and develop deep self-awareness, we will have to think a lot about who we really are, pay a lot of attention to our internal thoughts and beliefs, and think a lot about why we often do not behave like the person we would really like to be.
Most people who claim to know themselves well tend to be very shallow individuals. Like music and brain surgery, deep self-awareness requires a lot of attention and thinking. As Earl Nightingale reminds us, "We become what we think about".
Unfortunately, this concept also works in reverse. If we hold the belief and think a lot about how other people and events "make" us feel what we feel, it won't be long before we become closed, defensive, guarded, angry, unforgiving, resentful, aggressive, powerless, and blaming. This is called a flat world belief. If we lived in the 1300's and someone told you that the earth was round, your feelings would probably be amazement and dis-belief! You would think they were crazy because "everybody knows" that the earth is flat.
Today "everybody knows" that other people and events create our feelings. Go to a restaurant, order a cup of coffee and then listen to the conversations going on around you. "My boss makes me so angry, he's such a jerk". "I'm so happy, I start two weeks of vacation tomorrow". "My husband makes me feel so warm and cared for when he opens the car door for me". "My husband drives me crazy when he sits around watching football all day". This is an important flat world "everybody knows" exercise that we should do often to remind ourselves that simply because "everybody knows" something does not make it true.
An important step toward authentic spiritual growth is the awareness that no one can make us feel anything that is not already inside of us. A simple example will illustrate this fundamental truth.
Most people have a fear of snakes or spiders. So if someone held a slimy snake or hairy spider in our face we would probably be frightened. We would say that they frightened or scared us. If they held a small baby bunny rabbit in our face most of us would probably want to hold it and pet it.
This illustration simply points out the truth that most of us do not have a fear of baby bunny rabbits inside of us. Therefore, no matter how often someone holds up a bunny rabbit we will never feel fear. If they hold up a snake or a spider they can "remind" us of the fear that is already inside of us. But that's all they can do; simply remind us. They cannot "create or make the feeling of fear" because it is already inside of us.
The only appropriate, reality based, response to any of our feelings or emotions we become aware of is to simply ask ourselves the question, "This is MY feeling, so I wonder where the feeling energy is coming from inside me?" or "What old memory based feeling energy is the other person stimulating in me?"
Over time this simple truth will enable us to develop a deeper self-awareness. As we learn to take ownership for our own feelings, our primitive ego's knee jerk reaction to get angry and blame our feelings and sense of powerlessness on others will diminish.
If it's "MY" feeling, it doesn't make sense to blame others for what "I" am feeling. That would be like insisting that the other person take an aspirin because "I" have a headache.
Learning to own our own feelings is a powerful tool on the journey toward authentic spiritual growth.
PERSONAL THOUGHTS
I have learned over the years that much of my anger comes from people telling me what to do, telling me I'm wrong or criticizing me, and not "hearing" what I say or "making" me feel invisible. I can remember clearly my therapist saying "That sounds like a powerful feeling. Let's sit with it for a few minutes and see what insights come".
At the time, all I really wanted was for him to agree with me and affirm the fact that the events or people that created what I was feeling were really "jerks". Of course, much to my dismay he never did that. He would simply quietly remind me that it was "my" feeling that we were sitting with.
Sometimes he would say, "What are "you" feeling right now?" He would let me vent and project my anger for a while, but then he would bring it back to the reality that it was really about me, not others. It was "my" feeling that he was interested in exploring, not the other persons behavior.
In my practice as a therapist, I would often chuckle to myself when my client's would comment "I know, all you want me to do is "sit with the feeling". I'm sick and tired of "sitting" with the feeling. I want you to tell me how stupid and hurtful you think those people are being toward me."
I could so easily relate to how they were feeling as I recalled the many times that those same words had come from me. I am very grateful today that my therapist had the patience to quietly "sit with me" as I learned how to take greater ownership of my own feelings.
As I look around the world and listen to the news, I am saddened by how often I hear people justify their anger and feelings on other people's words and behaviors. The news is full of this behavior. In fact most of the violence in the world today stems from people projecting and blaming their feelings onto others.
But then I am reminded of a quote I heard somewhere in my journey " Don't fight against what you don't like. It's a waste of time. People only get angry and resistant when you push them. They will change only when the old ways no longer make sense to them. Instead, learn to bring into the world what "you" would like to see. Be a creator of change. Give others the opportunity to experience what you would like to see manifest in the world.
I'm not always successful, but I try to be mindful to own my own feelings and not use blame to project them onto others. When I am able to accomplish this, the world becomes more peaceful around me.
SPIRITUAL PRACTICE
Learn to pay attention when we feel anger or any strong feeling or emotion. Learn to sit with the anger or whatever the feeling is for a while and ask ourselves "Where is this feeling energy coming from? What old memory is being stimulated?" The more we can learn to "sit with" the feeling or emotion and not "act" on the feeling, the more we will begin to develop insight into where the energy is coming from. Our feeling of powerless, anger, and blame will begin to diminish.
We will become what we think about. If we can learn to think a lot about the source of our "feeling energies", we will eventually develop deep self-awareness.
There can be no authentic spiritual growth without growth in self-awareness, and all growth in self-awareness is by definition authentic spiritual growth.
StonyHill Institute
GOALS OF THE STONYHILL NEWSLETTER
We live in a world filled with conflict and violence. Almost everyone agrees that something has to change. There is an urgent need to develop a more compassionate global spirituality.
At Stonyhill, we believe it makes no sense to profess the values and morality of peace and compassion while continuing to manifest the primitive ego's paradigm of vertical power called survival of the fittest; a paradigm of power, control, and violence.
We must learn how the unconscious judgments of the primitive ego bring the seeds of conflict, and a sense of "otherness" into the world. If our personal goal is to do no harm to others or the world, then our thinking must consciously evolve and become more conscious or self-aware.
We will become what we think about and authentic spiritual growth is achieved only when we grow in self-awareness.
Traditional mainline religions are based on primitive pre-modern and violent tribal metaphors written during a time when our human consciousness was still very primitive. Until our mainline religions remove the violence contained in their scriptures and come to understand that most of the wisdom in their scriptures is metaphoric and should not be interpreted literally, they will be unable to offer the moral and ethical framework needed to create effective global solutions to the challenges facing us in the 21st century.
We will evolve as humans only as we become more self-aware and intentionally increase our ability to love unconditionally. A compassionate global spirituality is no longer just an interesting philosophic idea; the future of the human species may very well depend upon our ability to create it. The danger that we could destroy ourselves as a species has never been greater. The creation of a compassionate global community is the most important goal of human consciousness in the 21st century.
The Stonyhill Newsletter explores the insights and spiritual practices required to achieve the authentic spiritual growth that comes from deep self-awareness, understanding the primitive ego that resides in each of us, and the intentional evolution of our species consciousness.
The Stonyhill newsletter is written each month for counselors, therapists, clergy, and individuals interested in authentic spiritual growth, intentional growth in our human consciousness, and the formation of a compassionate, non-violent global community that openly embraces radical inclusiveness and diversity.
Namaste
Dick Rauscher
IMPORTANT INFORMATION
The Stonyhill Newsletter is written and published by Dick Rauscher, M.Div., Fellow AAPC. For past issues of the Stonyhill Newsletter and other in depth articles on authentic spiritual growth and the Primitive Ego Theory of Human Development written by Dick Rauscher go to www.stonyhill.com
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Copyright 2007
There are many article on spiritual growth, the middlepath and the primitive ego on the Stonyhill web site at www.stonyhill.com. If you would like to read an in-depth article on The Primitive Ego Theory of Human Development and the relationship between authentic spiritual growth and the growth in self-awareness that comes as we better understand the primitive ego that dwells inside each of us, you can go to the Awakening article #26 on the web site or just click on this link: http://www.stonyhill.com/articles.htm - awakening
Visit the STONYHILL INSTITUTE website at http://www.stonyhill.com/articles.htm for additional articles on the integration of spirituality and psychotherapy.
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